So Long, 2009!

PSA GamerGirl is going to take a night off (thank you for that not-too-thunderous applause),  and go back to her light-hearted roots.  Light-heartedness combined with clichés combined with speaking about yourself in the third person is pretty much how the GamerGirl spends her time between sleep, drinking, and sleep-drinking.  What is the cliché aspect, you ask?  Well, without further adieu…

Top Ten Most Awesome Things About 2009

Please note, I’m not TIME Magazine, Entertainment Weekly, VH1 or some random idiot who thinks I can tell you what is the best movie (I rarely go), the best album (I recognize, on average, 3 people on the top 20 list every week), or most memorable celebrity moment (I don’t give a shit).  So, these are the top ten most awesome things to ME.  (See, while the preachiness can take a vacation, the self-aggrandizement never goes away!)

In random order:

8. I bought my first Christmas tree.  In years past, I’d always travelled SOMEwhere for Christmas.  But this year, I stayed put and decided to buy a Christmas tree for the first time in my life.  Yep, it’s fake (The three plants I’ve been given are on death’s door and I also had to haul it myself, so quiet, you), and it’s gorgeous.  I’ve loved having it up since Thanksgiving and am pretty ticked that I have to take it down since it’s such a nice source of ambient light.  Big fan of ambient light.  I can’t wait to put it up several more times before I have to take it to the landfill and fulfill my carbon-emission releasing potential. 

2. I bought a house. I haven’t had an ounce of regret or trouble with my home, and it’s been nothing but sheer joy to be in my first home.  I had an awesome realtor, and even better home inspector and huge ol’ pile of pride about what I was able to do (and to do it on my own).  I can’t wait until I can make some minor improvements and additions, and I’m confident it will be a good purchase for years to come.  I’m also confident that I’ll win the PowerBall, so I hope at least one of these things prove true.

5. I started taking better care of myself.  It’s true that I’m no paragon of “good living,” but I purchased my bike, started exercising more in general and really made a change to what I eat.  I hardly ever purchase factory-manufactured food and learned how to prepare some awesome new dishes in a more healthy way.  Fresh ingredients, prepared simply and with health in mind.  And, also, love.  Now I just need someone to cook for again (2010, I’m looking in your general direction…).

10. My company was acquired.  While this could be bad news for most people, I choose to believe this was a good thing. My company was started by venture capitalists and has never been profitable as a result and now we’ve been acquired a good company, with an excellent reputation.  I’ll finally get 401k matching, 6 additional days off, more holiday pay and now three floating holidays.  I’ve also been assured that my job won’t change very much.  So, I’ve elected to see this is a good thing and wrap myself up in the comfortable blanket of naivety and assume that I’ll have more job security, not less.  And, if not, hopefully next year’s list will then read “Short stint of unemployment after layoff from newly acquired company.”   

7. My finances have never been in better shape.  Due to the acquisition, I had to cash out my stock options. I got an additional bonus and will get quite the tidy refund next year now that I deduct interest, property taxes and get the first-time homebuyers’ credit.  By the time I get my refund in Feb/March, I’ll be completely debt-free (minus mortgage debt, of course).  I’ll also have a tidy nest egg to rely on in case of any bad-newsery related to number 10.  Hard to believe that one could get one’s finances in fantastic order in the year one buys a house, but I’ve continued to be fortunate in my career and don’t intend to squander my windfall.

3. I faced several challenges and did well.  I could expand, but this area, while important enough to be noted, is too personal for me to go into here.  So, feel free to start a pool about what you think I might have otherwise said.  Let me know who wins.

4. I met some cool new friends.  You know that saying, “things happen for a reason”?  It’s easy to just pass that off as some nonsensical cliché (like “karma,” for instance), but I really think I bought my house where I did for a reason.  When I started looking, I had romanticized the idea of buying in wine country, but I had just rebuilt my friendships and social life here in Portland and I think had I moved out there, that I would have been so very isolated – which isn’t good for the GamerGirl.  Since I’ve moved in, I’ve met so many cool people, especially my neighbors.  John and Vicki (to my right) are the “surrogate parent” types who give me advice about electrical fixes, what kind of shed to get and lend me a snow shovel when I need it.  They even blow my leaves for me on my sidewalk at times and always say “hi” when I see them.  To my left, is Thomas, Chris, Becca, Tony, Tracy and now, cute little Thomas Jefferson (kitteh).  I’ve played poker with them, hung out and chatted with them, exchanged war and peace stories and learned that you can see what I’m doing inside my living room pretty darn easily from their porch, so the “walking around with my moisturizing mask on” thing has stopped.  (I can’t help it, Chris is cuuuuute!).  Tracy loves a good game of Rock Band, and they all look out for me.  I feel safer here than I have anywhere else, and it’s nice to have people who I genuinely like who are looking out for me.  I also met Lars, who keeps me company with Gmail chat and brought me eggs.  Glad to have to met you. *waves* 

9. I still have my cat.  Ok, roll your eyes if you must, but I’ve had a couple of scares with him due to his age (he turns 18 on May 9, 2010).  He’s had some issues lately, and each time I take him in I’m always afraid I’ll get the “I’m sorry, his liver/kidneys/brain/whatever is shutting down” since that would be perfectly reasonable at his age.  And although I have to doctor his food and clean up the occasional pile o’ puke, I’m glad I have my Murphy boy with me.  I’ve had him since I graduated high school, and he’s hanging in there and I hope I’m fortunate enough to have even a couple of more years with him.  *passes the hankie*  It’s ok, I’m a little misty-eyed, too.

1. I got to spend several vacation days with my family.  I don’t get to see my family much.  They stayed in the Midwest and I struck out for Oregon, so I don’t make it back much, or vice versa.  In June, we all celebrated birthdays and my parents’ 40th wedding anniversary together in Branson, MO.  Although it was hot as hell and I had a major case of swamp ass for a good 9 days or so, I got to spend time with my super cute, super smart and super awesome nephews (One, who particularly adores his Aunt Kris). my cool sister and her husband (who is only mildly less cool), and my folks.  We went to water parks, took nifty drives, at some really bad/good food, took a cruise, rented a boat and went to an animal sanctuary.  It was a really, really nice time in  gorgeous rental house and was definitely a major highlight for me.

6. I finally got comfortable being alone.  I used to be totally ok with it, but then I got married and having to transition back to “no one being there when you got home” was really hard for me.  You get used to living a certain way, and I’ve noticed that a lot of other divorced types also really struggle with this.  But, for the first time since my divorce, I was really ok with it.  I really cherish my alone time and have gotten pretty darn selfish about it.  I still have moments where I’d like to be out doing something and start running down the contact list on my phone but now, I sometimes choose to have solo time, even when something else is going on, because I genuinely enjoy it and am comfortable with my own company.  And, I think that’s a really good thing.

So these were the highlights that immediately came to mind.  I hope you have enough items to put on a list.  2009 was good to me, and I’m very grateful for my blessings.  I hope you can say the same.  Bring it on, 2010…Indeed, bring it on.

I’m Just Not That Into You (Part Two)

Portland is a city that embraces technology.  We tweet, we Facebook, we MySpace and we date online.  I know that for some people, online dating enters a realm where only fat, crazy cat ladies and pathetic, unemployed sex fiends live, but I submit that, if you think like this, and you’re still single, then your methods for meeting quality peeps isn’t anymore successful.  At least online, you can exchange information about yourself to see if you even have a chance of compatibility before you meet.  And since I know of only one couple that successfully met in a bar and then married, I’m more inclined to think that online dating isn’t merely the gateway of the desperate and pathetic.  I found my house online, I sold my furniture online and I’ve met several people at wine tastings, dance meetups and trivia nights via online meetups, so as far as I’m concerned, it’s just another legitimate way to meet people.

So now that I’ve jumped back into the dating pool, I’ve cast my line out there to see who bites.  I have a couple of online profiles up and I’m actively searching out profiles of men.  And, from what I’ve noticed, some men can use a little help.  So, I think it’s time for another installment of “I’m Just Not That into You.”

Oh, and before any guy thinks about jumping on here to bash me, please keep this in mind: I don’t date women.  I’m sure that women have horrible online profiles too, and could use some dating advice.  But since I don’t date women, or read women’s profiles (other than the ones my guy friends send me to “see what I think”), I’m not really in a position to give women dating advice.  If you date women, and have run across some simply awful profiles, then feel free to post advice to them.  On your own blog.  And I will laugh heartily, enjoy the observations, and not make any assumptions or generalizations about your like or dislike of my gender either.  Fair?

And away we go…

Please write something.  I’ve gotten multiple winks and e-mails from guys who post a picture and then write two-sentence profiles.  Sometimes those two sentences consist of useless, general blather; but sometimes, these two sentences consist of “I don’t know why I’m here.  Gotta run, so I’ll fill this out later.”

Where to start?  If you don’t know why you’re here, then WHY are you here?  And why would you take the time to upload a photo, fill out your statistical information and then just type “I don’t know why I’m here” or “Hey, any girls like stuff?  Hit me back.”  Women go online because they are interested in meeting a cool guy to date.  Imagine that!  Knowing that you’re simply too busy or too lazy to fill out your profile to some degree of completion tells me that we’re not here for the same reason.  It also tells us that you suck.  Women choose to date guys who inspire them, their imaginations and encourage them to get to know you.  Knowing your age, that you’re single, and live in Wilsonville isn’t going to set my heart aflutter or get my attention.  Women like information and we visualize the kind of person you are by what you write.  By writing nothing, you’re saying one thing: I don’t care.  And apathy is only a good thing to inspire after the relationship ends, not before.    

We want to get to know you before we KNOW you.  Yes, we want to see a picture, but only of your face and body.  No woman wants to see your dick before she’s even had coffee with you…EVER.  And, if she does, and goes to meet up with you, she’s going to want to be paid for it.  And while you may be a perfectly decent guy who’s thrilled with a bikini shot a girl might send you (though, eww), a photo of you with your shirt off  just tells us one thing:  I want sex and I’m more impressed with me than I’ll ever be with you.  We like a guy who takes care of himself, but we want to discover how great that body is after a few dates.  So, clothes on, and reserve the dick pics until you’re in a relationship.  And even then, probably not. 

Now, most guys haven’t been quite this obvious in my experience, but enough guys do this and other, more “subtle” things that this point merits a mention.  What are these things, you cry?  Sending their shoe size (which, TRUST ME ON THIS, is entirely a myth), saying they want “adult fun,” (Hey, I like getting plastered and sitting on the couch watching TV too!  Oh, wait…) or saying  they like “affection, lots of kissing” and are “a very physical person.”  That’s great and all, but if we were standing in a bar, or on a hiking trail, or at a wine event, and we just met, would you say “Hey, I’m Sam.  I have a size 12 shoe, I like adult fun and I’m a very physical person.”?  Of course not.  You’d get a boot in your nuts or a drink in your lap.  Just because a guy can adopt the identity of “TrollBoy2000” online and make whatever juvenile comments he wants on a sports or gaming forum, doesn’t mean he should apply the same laissez-faire attitude in online dating when the goal is to actually meet up at some point.

Accept that it’s up to you to sell yourself.  I know it sucks, but the reality is that women run the show because men want what we have.  It’s not fair, it’s got to be frustrating, but that’s just how it is.  Dating and porn are just about the only two areas where women have the advantage, and we know it.  Kind, relationship-minded women don’t exploit this fact, though, so a good guy can absolutely meet a great girl online and get noticed.  But while a pretty picture, a nice smile, a good body and no desire to mooch off of him may be all that it takes for a guy to write to a woman, a woman is more discerning.  If she’s got 20 e-mails to go through, a guy who doesn’t have a good profile that reveals something about himself, some sense of humor, a job and a good photo or two, then he gets cut quicker than me on a competitive sports team.  A guy who has good photos, makes an effort, writes legibly and displays self-awareness and takes care of himself will go to the front of the line.  And to our next point…

Don’t sound like a b-boy, a 12-year-old, or a grade-school dropout.  Women make concessions for men who don’t speak English as a first language; but if you’re from an English-speaking country, 40, and not seriously learning disabled, then write like an educated adult.  Write out “your” and “you.”  Use complete sentences, capitalization and punctuation.  I will tell you that I have YET to run across a woman who doesn’t instantly judge a guy negatively when she reads a profile full of misspellings and grammatical errors.  You don’t have to write poetry (actually, please don’t write poetry), but show that you can at least write like an adult, and are smart enough and care enough about the impression you make to use spell check.  At least 70% of the profiles I read have serious misspellings and grammatical errors in them.  So, if you’re an accomplished, cute guy, but women never write you or respond back to your e-mails, then I’d suggest running your profile through a spell check.  Oh, and your e-mails, too.  If you don’t think it’s worth the effort, and I’m here to tell you that it is, then you’re, of course, welcome to spend another evening with lefty or righty.

We can see right through that manipulation, thank you.  More often than I care to count, I run across profiles that have the same basic theme: “My girlfriend left me for another man and I’m all alone…”  “I’ve been a great guy my whole life and have met nothing but liars and whores so I’m giving it one last shot to see if a woman can prove me wrong…” or, “You can’t handle me because I’m too honest, too hot, too built, etc.” Basically all of these profiles are pathetic attempts to manipulate a woman into giving you one thing: sex.  And we know this.  Even the sort of woman you would never consider dating can see right through this.  You’re not “throwing down the gauntlet” or inspiring us to rise to the challenge — because there IS no challenge.  You’re just using a grade-school level of reverse psychology to try to get a woman to feel sorry for you, feel intimidated by you, or see if she can be that “special” gal who will make you change your mind entirely on the our gender and the concept of dating. Trust me; no intelligent woman wants this kind of challenge.  If you’re angry, bitter, lonely, or pleading with a woman to go out with you (which is really all these types of posts are), then our legs will snap shut quicker than a bear trap.   And, if a guy has actually ever gotten a woman with this approach, I’d love to know about it.  But I bet I won’t hear about any instances where this approach has worked because it’s likely that relationship didn’t last very long and it’s left the guy even lonelier, even more bitter, and more jaded.

Stay away from certain words.  This is the catch-all for you otherwise smart guys who maybe write girl-alienating terms. 

The first is “baggage.”  Don’t say you have none or want a girl with none.  If you’ve dated at all, a little baggage is normal; it’s where she and you store that baggage and how often you open the case that matters.  And for the love of guacamole, don’t ever refer to children, in any fashion, as “baggage.” 

Secondly, don’t use ” no drama.”  Unless someone is really messed up, nobody wants drama.  Messed up people don’t make great long-term relationship partners.  And someone who is messed up probably isn’t going to be self-aware enough to realize she or he creates drama anyway.  Also, one person’s definition of drama is different than another person’s.  When women read “drama” they instantly think that this is a guy who will think any issue they have, any frustration they express, or any conflict that may arise will be considered “drama.”  Relationships aren’t always smooth sailing, and if you don’t communicate how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking from time to time, then your relationship will atrophy.  And that’s when the really painful stuff starts happening.  Nobody healthy creates drama for drama’s sake, and you might scare away healthy women while attracting exactly what it is that you don’t want: drama queens who don’t know they’re drama queens so they say they aren’t drama queens.

Finally, just avoid negative words.  Don’t write “cheater, whore, liar, gold-digger,” or any related synonyms.  I have YET to see a post from a guy wanting these traits in a woman, so just go ahead and assume it’s a given that nobody wants a partner who sleeps with other people while in a relationship with you, mmmkay?  Unless you’re on a poly Web site.  In which case, good luck with that.

So guys, if you want someone to double check that online profile for you, feel free to send it my way.  I’ll take a look at it, and help advise you on how to create a superior, girl-gettin’ missive.  But if what you send me is douchey, full of misspellings and grammatical errors or some lame attempt at manipulation well, you’re on your own.  In more ways than one.       

GO SUH!

Just had to be said. ; )

On Role Models

I’ve been following the Tiger Woods situation with much interest.  But what has interested me the most is the reaction to his transgressions more than his behavior, prior and post revelation.

I’ve never understood those who expect our celebrities to be role models for how we are to behave.  I’m mature enough to determine my own moral code without looking to some celebrity to determine what’s right or wrong for me; I behave how I think is appropriate, and to expect someone who has surrounded himself with “yes” men since he was 18 years old to be the bastion of moral living seems like setting myself up for disappointment.  Men without natural-born talent have affairs all the time, and to expect a man who has never had anything other than praise handed to him to behave in a commonly accepted moral fashion seems ridiculous to me.  Don’t get me wrong, if he did have affairs, that’s not cool, but it doesn’t surprise me or disappoint me if he did, as he isn’t my role model for how I choose to behave. 

Metallica said it best when they sang “Arrogance and ignorance go hand in hand.”  I’m representative of this myself.  I was arrogant enough to believe that I’d affair-proofed my marriage and my ex-husband was ignorant enough to believe he was too shy, too awkward or too moral of a person to cheat.  And yet, it happened.  That combination of arrogance and ignorance was deadly to what had been a strong and love-filled marriage and why would any of us expect that someone who has been called “the greatest athlete in the world” to be above all that?  If you were 23 and being handed oodles of money and the most beautiful women in the world, would you seriously be strong enough to resist?  I’m not saying that infidelity in Tiger’s case was a foregone conclusion or that he even deserves a pass here, but it’s a little ridiculous to expect someone who never had to fight for anything in his life to be “better” than any of us, especially at such a young age.  It’s our struggles that test who we are and from what we gain wisdom.  And cheating is a human behavior – men and women do it all the time, and they don’t have millions of dollars or millions of opportunities, as Tiger did.  Mental health professionals have often said that those who think themselves the most moral, the most honest, are more likely to cheat, simply because they don’t think they are CAPABLE of it.  And when they do, they are even better justifiers of their behavior because of how they have conducted their lives up to that point; it’s one blemish on an otherwise decent life and they move on, still thinking of themselves as good people who don’t deserve to be judged or punished for one transgression.  I’d be willing to bet that Tiger, who has set up foundations and donated buckets of money to help the underprivileged, wouldn’t think any differently.

Morality isn’t something we’re given at birth, like eye or hair color; it’s something that we develop through guidance and through our own choices.  We define and even redefine it throughout life.  We define it for ourselves when we’re given that first beer, that first joint, that first easy lay – whatever it is that tests our own personal moral code.  It’s not going to be set in stone at 10, 20, or even 30.  We may justify that overlooked charge at Wal-Mart, but would otherwise point out that same overlooked charge at our local mom-and-pop hardware store; it’s a personal code and everyone’s is different.  Drug addicts can stop abusing drugs, not all cheaters will cheat again and not all swindlers will rob and lie for life.  Almost all of us are capable of change, capable of figuring out what we lack inside of ourselves that prevent us from sticking to our own moral codes, if we so desire. 

The reality of it is that whatever he and Elin do or don’t do, it’s not any of our business.  Those who have been cheated on or who have cheated are probably thankful as hell that their lives aren’t up for public consumption and that’s a price that famous people pay that those of us who don’t have to rebuild (or not) our relationships in the public eye get to bypass.  There are things I did or didn’t do when my marriage fell apart that I would hate to have Bob in Arkansas or Nancy in Detroit tell me I was an idiot for doing or not doing.  I get the luxury of privacy because only my immediate family and friends care about the outcome; Tiger and Elin get the judgment of every yahoo with a computer and a basic grasp of the English language. 

To me, a role model should be the grandfather who survived the depression and went on to create a successful philanthropic institution that helps out millions of people.  It should be the mother who left her abusive husband to teach her sons a better way to be men, or a rape victim from Africa who overcame adversity and went to college so she could educate herself and teach her daughters that they have a right to a life, and opinion and to their own bodies.  And even I know that these people probably stepped on a few toes along the way.  Someone famous once said that no successful person gets to be successful without making a few enemies along the way.  None of us are “clean, pure and without sin.”  No one can cast stones and if we only focused on our own failings as human beings we wouldn’t be able to move on and try to live the best life we can, according to our own definitions.   We hopefully learn from our mistakes, but we simply can’t dwell on them if we ever want to move forward in life.

I accept that not all of us had role models to look to in life, and so to choose someone like Tiger is a natural and even understandable choice.  But I just think we should do so with the knowledge that we’re choosing people who live a life that most of us only dream of.  To expect that someone who, reportedly, has dismissed or shunned those who disagree with his behaviors, thoughts or actions to be more moral than the rest of us is just mere folly.  Celebrities cheat, celebrities rape and celebrities commit suicide.  And that’s because we need to understand that infidelity doesn’t occur because a spouse isn’t hot enough, that rape isn’t about sex, and that celebrities commit suicide because they no longer want to live; all of these actions occur for the same reasons as they do “in real life”: because they don’t know something about themselves, because they are angry at women and want to control her, and because they just don’t want to feel the pain anymore.  These actions are merely symptoms of issues that exist from within, public actions that display anger, contempt and self-loathing, and it’s not more complicated than that.  The only difference when celebrities are involved is that these actions happen in houses with marble floors, servants, and $10,000 drapes.  And the rest of watch and judge because we, who were not given as much in life, like to see our heroes fall so that we can feel better about ourselves.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating for Tiger, or for infidelity, or other actions that hurt the people we love.  I’m just encouraging us to pick better role models, to understand the someone else’s relationship (public or not) isn’t any of our business, and to accept that even those we put on pedestals are still human.  Maybe if we did that, we wouldn’t be constantly disappointed by the tales of lying politicians, adulterous celebrities or athletes who decide to check out.  Perhaps if we took away all the window dressing and start seeing all of us as flawed human beings, we’d be lot less disappointed and more appreciative of those who don’t get awards, million-dollar endorsement deals, or our praise for rising above adversity and raising better citizens in this world.